The "Kindness" that didn't happen

After 3 weeks' notice, much thought, and some preparation, the day of my 15-minute talk arrived. Alas, they had over-scheduled. As the concluding speaker, I got up to speak with about 4 minutes left in the meeting. I did 30 seconds on kindness, mentioning my father as the kindest person I've ever had the privilege to know, and sat down. There was a sigh of relief from the Bishopric behind me as we were able to remain on schedule. Actually, there's no way I'd go over and cut into my Sunday School lesson time.

Christmas is a fine time to remember that Jesus changed all the Old Testaments's "Thou Shalt Nots" into positives, such as: "Love One Another". It's not enough to avoid doing something bad; we must actively search out, AND DO, the good.

Merry Christmas!

Kindness

Today I must speak in church and the assigned topic is "kindness", an appropriate Christmas ideal. The good thing is, I've been given 3 weeks to ponder this. I know that I have much room for improvement in the Kindness Department. I also know that I was blessed to have been born to one of the kindest men I'll ever know. I remember 100-mile drives on Sunday to pick up children from his home teaching families so that they could go to church. Our station wagon got pretty full at times.

It is interesting to me that the Old Testament is filled with "Thou Shalt Nots" while the New Testament encourages us with a "Shalt", "Love One Another".

I love the words of the children's song, "Jesus said, 'Love everyone'. Treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you." What a splendid Christmas gift!

Thanksgiving

We have begun the Thanksgiving week. It is an exciting time as our family traditionally gathers. First, we have our children (and their children) for a rousingly good time. We have a dinner at the usual time. On Friday we rest and often do all kinds of physical activity. Second, we have all of my family (and their families) to dinner on Saturday. We expect at least 40.

We recognize our blessings, for family is the biggest blessing there is. To have so many makes us most richly blessed.

Living In The Forest

We currently have 2 bears and 2 cougars living near us. The chicken stay in the coop. It is a little disconcerting to find bear scat in our driveway, but the animals were here first. I believe we can co-exist, as long as they don't mess with me.

Eastern Oregon has the "Three 'S' Rule" for dealing with those critters who might be otherwise protected by law, but who threaten us law-abiding citizens. The rule is: Shoot it, shovel it, and shut up. Most people do OK on the first two and no one here really cares about the last one. Now, if I only had a gun...

The Challenges We Choose

We recently added, by choice and hard work, to our family. We are adopting an intact sibling group of older children. Our friends and family fall into two groups: Those who are extremely supportive and those who are looking for our lost marbles.

We are happy to take on this challenge and we know that we will be able to meet it and, with blessings, surpass it. We have missed a huge amount of these children's lives but we believe that they sincerely want to be part of our family. We truly want them with us, so there's nothing we can't do.

Wish us the best!

Diversity

Just received news that my nephew and his wife are going to adopt a brother and sister from Ghana. This is quite exciting news for a lot of reasons.

We are happy because this has been a long time in coming, with many false hopes raised. We are happy because all children deserve love and these children will add more of that to this family. We are also excited that the parents recognize that children are children no matter their color or ethnicity.

There will be challenges because parenting is a synonym with challenging. But there will also be rewards. Tremendous, humbling, and gratifying rewards. We wish them the best.

To Enjoy Being a Grandparent

I recently had the opportunity to speak with the child (He's 31) of friends of mine. He said that his parents weren't really "into" being grandparents. They have, after all, been grandparents for nearly 15 years and it's old hat.

I'm very saddened by this as they are missing out. What fun it was last night to share the excitement in our granddaughter's recounting of her grand adventure! Given that she's not quite 4, there were parts I didn't get. But, her pure excitement and joy came though and it was so much fun to share.

In essence, I was raised without grandparents and my husband had only one. I always felt that something was missing and I find it hard to believe that a person could be so blase as to not take full advantage of this wonderous opportunity. Not me, though. I love being a Grandma.

The Cycle of Life

We have a new grandson. He was born a little over a week ago and our daughter and son-in-law were able to bring him home from the hospital. He's such a good baby. When I say that, I'm asked if there are "bad" babies. the answer is that there are not, but there ARE "Possessed" babies.

It is a joy to watch children parent and to learn things that have long been in our knowledge bank. Sometimes we forget that such knowledge is often hard-won. For example, getting up at night with a hungry baby can be described but if one really wants to know what it's like, one must experience it. First hand.

Should anyone ask, my grandchildren are beautiful/handsome, talented, and witty. It is a pleasure to stand in the shoes of a grandma with loving grandchildren. Smart, good-looking, quick grandchildren. Make that Superlative.

Attack

Last night the dog was attacked. Don't know what it was but the dog definitely respected it. She was barking up a storm and finally chose to go out and confront whatever was out in the dark. Whatever was there did NOT respect a small black (and loud) dog and she came in very humble.

In the thriller books and movies, the human would then go outside to "take care" of whatever evil lurked. Not me; I figure if it wouldn't go away with the ferocious barking that the dog did, I'm going to cede ownership of the front yard for the night.

Got up this morning to a newly-washed world and no foreigners in the front yard. This may reinforce the belief that if one ignores bad things, they'll go away. Hmm.

Thunder and More

Last night I went to sleep to the sounds of thunder crashing. For a fleeting moment I worried about the two "lightning rod" trees directly behind our house but that didn't stop me from a good night's sleep. Those are the ones with a dead top, which fills with moisture. Lightning likes a tall, moisture-filled tree. But, it appears that we made it through intact.

This morning we awoke to a beautifully washed day. The flowers are a little droopy from the rain but they really like it in the long run.

This week includes a training to help me learn how to be efficient on my oversight board. Salem said they were making the training available "locally", which means that it's a drive of about 120 miles. The next best option was 160 miles. Small states have it made.

The oversight board's job is to make sure that the needs of the children in care are met by the state, according to its own mandates. For example, a child in foster care is mandated to have a face-to-face visit with his caseworker every 30 days. That must be documented. There's a whole list of things and it's a lot of reading but so very necessary. Not all caseworkers love us.

It is a joy to continue to learn and be challenged.

Weeds and more

Last year we were very aggressive in targeting weeds in our pasture. This Spring we have a lush, green, and grassy field. It's interesting that we saw few results from our efforts last year but that the weeds apparently died , during their winter dormancy, at the root. This takes effort on our part but what a nice result!

The daffodils are finishing their work. Some came up in places I hadn't even remembered putting them, which was a nice surprise.

We have had a very wet week with it raining hard nearly every day. This makes everything look crisp and fresh as well as grow like crazy. One might not see the downside, but there is a definite one: Fire danger. Rain makes plants grow a lot in places where they aren't irrigated (forest land) and then, when there is no more rain water, their life cycle is to die to the root. This leaves all the above-ground part to dry out and become tinder. We are very careful with fire.

Home Again

In the last week we have traveled clear across the United States with several of our children. Mostly, it was a fun experience. The flight cancellation and resultant comprehensive search by TSA in Salt Lake City would be the negatives. I have no idea what profile I fit, but I was well and truly searched.

We were able to spend time with our children and grandchildren and we learned that the older of the latter is "an aggressive eater". Her Aunt was trying to take a picture of her eating strawberries in a large patch but the child was too fast. There was no hesitation between getting a strawberry in her hand and putting it, complete, in her mouth. Poor Aunt never got a picture.

In addition to strawberries, we enjoyed Myrtle Beach and Fort Sumter. The best part was playing Perudo around the dining table, which I should have won. I was robbed. :-)

Though we miss our far away family, it was a joy to come home to the explosion of daffodils.

Grandchildren

The crocus are up and the daffodils are thinking about it. My heart would soar with that, but added to my joy is the fact that this is a grandchildren week! We are excited to spend time with the grandchildren and are grateful for a circle of life which includes many generations. (OK, 3)

Spring

The winter was long and hard but the spring promises to be gorgeous. We probably enjoy the lilacs and daffodils more after our monochrome season. This morning I awoke to about an inch of new snow but am confident that it will shortly melt away. The daffodils are probably a little confused because they've waited so long to send up their efforts.

Spring is my favorite season of the year with all the new plants with their riot of color and all the new animal babies, both wild and domestic. I haven't seen any turkey babies but the evidence is the adults. Guess I'll keep watching.

SNOW

In YDKJ, the snow comes to tidy everything up. All the horror that existed is covered with a white blanket. It makes a beautiful picture for several months and then comes the thaw. while we may tire of the snow, we often overlook the challenges that come when the blanket is taken away. We must deal with, in addition to many other things, mud. I suppose there's an allegory here.

Investigations

When things go wrong in a society, there are usually many agencies involved. I recently learned how our rural community handles a major crime, such as a homicide. We are small and no one agency can be all things. But, there is an agreement in effect that the District Attorney is in charge and also that each agency will work to its strengths. We don't have crack forensic teams or homicide detectives for whom this sort of thing would be routine. Each agency has areas of expertise and the DA can coordinate that. Usually, however, the investigators already know what they do well and where they need help. The best part of all is that we seldom need to know any of this.

The Invincible Summer

Each of us has, according to Albert Camus, an invincible summer. The quote, which is translated variously, is: "It was in the midst of winter that I discovered in me an invincible summer."

We will have tremendous challenges as we muddle our way through life. It's the nature of life to be filled with both joy and despair. One of our main goals as we live it should be to find a middle road.

We enjoy the blissful joy but not the despair. Yet, would we enjoy the former so much if we did not know the latter? I'll not say that I enjoy the "winter" but I will say that I understand why we have it. I will also say that I'm supremely grateful to have discovered my own "invincible summer".

The family unit is so important. Everyone knows that it comes in all shapes and sizes. Not all families, however, are created equally. A child born to a meth-addict mother does not have a level playing field with someone like my granddaughters who are born to caring and conscientious adults.

We as a society need to strengthen families. I don't know how, but we cannot countenance this continued disintegration of the family. Not to belabor the fact that I have a completed manuscript, but a family disintegration is detailed, step-by-step, in it.

I find it horrifying.

Weather is an interesting part of life. Snowfall is used in YDKJ as a symbol of cleansing. As I look out the window this morning at the newest white "gift" I'm thinking that I'm a little tired of snow.

Living rurally as we do, we are responsible for snow removal and/or storage. Right now the berms on the side are so high that it's nearly impossible for my plow to throw it up and over. That either means that we have enough snow or we're going to have to bring in some heavy equipment.

Interestingly, all the parents who live nearby manage to help their children make it to school, work, sports, and church. They just rachet up their responsibility quotient and get the job done.

It's nice to be associated with people who take their responsibilities so seriously.

YDKJ deals, in part, in searching for foster parents. So what makes good foster parents?

Every person who wants to help these special children falls into one of two categories: foster parent or adoptive parent. Foster parents realize that they are temporary and adoptive parents have trouble with that. It is imperative that the correct fit be distinguished if there is to be any measure of success. There is a place for each, but trouble can happen when a foster parent has the mindset of an adoptive parent, and vice versa.

Probably the most important thing is for the foster/adoptive parent to know him-or-herself well enough to know where he or she would shine.

Are there children who cannot be saved?

Possibly, but we as a society still need to try our hardest. Jack, in the manuscript, will never lead any kind of productive life. There is no place for him in regular foster care. How should society warehouse a child who is amoral and without any feelings?

Sometimes the needs of a community outweigh the needs of individuals in that community. When there are children who are predators people must be protected. It is a sad thing when a child loses freedoms and his behavior isn't his fault. It's sad for adults, too.

Just read an overview of the book, "Hope's Boy" by Andrew Bridge. It says that he "is on a mission to fix a system he barely survived". The scary thing is that, in many ways, his stint in foster care was wildly successful. He was not separated from siblings, he was not (in the part I read) severely abused, and he didn't have multiple placements. But, he didn't have love, caring, or any sense of belonging. There are serious problems with the foster care system and they need to be addressed. My manuscript (YDKJ) shines light on community efforts and issues because that's what I know. His book is about what he knows all to well and what he is doing to help those children mired in the foster care system. I wish him the best.

A big challenge in our current foster care system is the fact that many of those involved don't always "play nice". When a person, whether it be a counselor, caseworker, or foster parent, has crippling emotional issues it is difficult to focus on the child's needs. Nearly everyone has personal prejudices and these can color the way we behave. It is unfortunate when the best choices for a child would be impacted by the feelings of those in charge of that child's life. A fairly common example is assuming a child in care is less than smart because of the bad choices family members have made. Sadly, when treated like this, the child will live down to the expectations.

"You Don't Know Jack" (YDKJ) details some of the challenges that happen when families break down. Good communities try and pick up the slack but a good outcome is often unlikely. Sometimes the children go through the system and come out as productive citizens, capable of maintaining lasting relationships and being of benefit in their own communities. Often, however, a cycle ensues: children become their parents. It's a scary situation.

Who should be a foster parent?

For starters, a foster parent needs to be open to understanding lifestyles other than his own. Most of the the children who are in the government's custody come from lifestyles entirely different from the foster parent's. A foster parent can't flinch when a child is horribly mistreated because, oddly enough, the child may still love the one who inflicted the pain. It's a difficult position. Foster parents often become quite cynical.

A foster parent needs to be willing to learn about things like child sex abuse because nearly all child in care have suffered from some form of this. He needs to be willing to help teach a child social skills because this is typically lacking in a child in substitute care. Most importantly, he needs to be willing to "be there" for a child who may neither understand nor appreciate what the foster parent attempted.

Foster parents, the good ones, are angels of mercy, love, and tenderness. Some focus on babies, some on older boys, and some on sibling groups. Unfortunately, the system is set up so that the strengths of the foster parent are often not used due to the desperation of a caseworker. When a child needs to be placed he usually goes where there is a place and not always where the best fit is.

Most foster parents are not doing this for the money. That is a sore point with many foster parents, but the system is set up so that foster parents "volunteer" much of their time. It is sad that we are a society that needs to have this system of out-of-home care in place.

Methods of oversight are always interesting. Our Child Welfare system has such a method and citizens are responsible to see that the child, in the care of the state, has his needs met. An obvious weak point is that the state workers are paid to do a job and the oversight people are volunteers. We need a method whereby that which is best for the child is what actually happens. Sometimes, though, there isn't a "good" answer. Then, if he's lucky, the child is the recipient of the choice that is "better". We must treat our children better.

What fun it is to Blog!

Everyone has songs to sing and one of mine is the manuscript, "You Don't Know Jack".

A long-time foster and adoptive parent, I felt the need to address what happens in a rural community when a meth lab meets up with that community. Most communities are not equipped to deal with the fallout. Rural communities, by and large, seem to be comprised to good, steady people. People who mistreat children are the exception.

Also at issue are the methods of foster parent recruitment. The children are oftentimes so challenging that it seems to me to be improper to place them with naive foster parents. It's a fact that the naivete will disappear, FAST.

So, what do we do?

My first hope is that people will recognize the problem. What do you think?

JEC