YDKJ deals, in part, in searching for foster parents. So what makes good foster parents?

Every person who wants to help these special children falls into one of two categories: foster parent or adoptive parent. Foster parents realize that they are temporary and adoptive parents have trouble with that. It is imperative that the correct fit be distinguished if there is to be any measure of success. There is a place for each, but trouble can happen when a foster parent has the mindset of an adoptive parent, and vice versa.

Probably the most important thing is for the foster/adoptive parent to know him-or-herself well enough to know where he or she would shine.

Are there children who cannot be saved?

Possibly, but we as a society still need to try our hardest. Jack, in the manuscript, will never lead any kind of productive life. There is no place for him in regular foster care. How should society warehouse a child who is amoral and without any feelings?

Sometimes the needs of a community outweigh the needs of individuals in that community. When there are children who are predators people must be protected. It is a sad thing when a child loses freedoms and his behavior isn't his fault. It's sad for adults, too.

Just read an overview of the book, "Hope's Boy" by Andrew Bridge. It says that he "is on a mission to fix a system he barely survived". The scary thing is that, in many ways, his stint in foster care was wildly successful. He was not separated from siblings, he was not (in the part I read) severely abused, and he didn't have multiple placements. But, he didn't have love, caring, or any sense of belonging. There are serious problems with the foster care system and they need to be addressed. My manuscript (YDKJ) shines light on community efforts and issues because that's what I know. His book is about what he knows all to well and what he is doing to help those children mired in the foster care system. I wish him the best.

A big challenge in our current foster care system is the fact that many of those involved don't always "play nice". When a person, whether it be a counselor, caseworker, or foster parent, has crippling emotional issues it is difficult to focus on the child's needs. Nearly everyone has personal prejudices and these can color the way we behave. It is unfortunate when the best choices for a child would be impacted by the feelings of those in charge of that child's life. A fairly common example is assuming a child in care is less than smart because of the bad choices family members have made. Sadly, when treated like this, the child will live down to the expectations.

"You Don't Know Jack" (YDKJ) details some of the challenges that happen when families break down. Good communities try and pick up the slack but a good outcome is often unlikely. Sometimes the children go through the system and come out as productive citizens, capable of maintaining lasting relationships and being of benefit in their own communities. Often, however, a cycle ensues: children become their parents. It's a scary situation.

Who should be a foster parent?

For starters, a foster parent needs to be open to understanding lifestyles other than his own. Most of the the children who are in the government's custody come from lifestyles entirely different from the foster parent's. A foster parent can't flinch when a child is horribly mistreated because, oddly enough, the child may still love the one who inflicted the pain. It's a difficult position. Foster parents often become quite cynical.

A foster parent needs to be willing to learn about things like child sex abuse because nearly all child in care have suffered from some form of this. He needs to be willing to help teach a child social skills because this is typically lacking in a child in substitute care. Most importantly, he needs to be willing to "be there" for a child who may neither understand nor appreciate what the foster parent attempted.

Foster parents, the good ones, are angels of mercy, love, and tenderness. Some focus on babies, some on older boys, and some on sibling groups. Unfortunately, the system is set up so that the strengths of the foster parent are often not used due to the desperation of a caseworker. When a child needs to be placed he usually goes where there is a place and not always where the best fit is.

Most foster parents are not doing this for the money. That is a sore point with many foster parents, but the system is set up so that foster parents "volunteer" much of their time. It is sad that we are a society that needs to have this system of out-of-home care in place.

Methods of oversight are always interesting. Our Child Welfare system has such a method and citizens are responsible to see that the child, in the care of the state, has his needs met. An obvious weak point is that the state workers are paid to do a job and the oversight people are volunteers. We need a method whereby that which is best for the child is what actually happens. Sometimes, though, there isn't a "good" answer. Then, if he's lucky, the child is the recipient of the choice that is "better". We must treat our children better.

What fun it is to Blog!

Everyone has songs to sing and one of mine is the manuscript, "You Don't Know Jack".

A long-time foster and adoptive parent, I felt the need to address what happens in a rural community when a meth lab meets up with that community. Most communities are not equipped to deal with the fallout. Rural communities, by and large, seem to be comprised to good, steady people. People who mistreat children are the exception.

Also at issue are the methods of foster parent recruitment. The children are oftentimes so challenging that it seems to me to be improper to place them with naive foster parents. It's a fact that the naivete will disappear, FAST.

So, what do we do?

My first hope is that people will recognize the problem. What do you think?

JEC